“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”

-Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

 

Last month, I returned to the Smith College campus in Northampton, Massachusetts to celebrate my ten-year college reunion. It was a pretty amazing weekend: I reconnected with old friends, classmates, and professors, roamed the gorgeous campus grounds, and visited some of my old stomping grounds in town. I also got to take part in some of the Smith commencement weekend traditions that celebrate both the graduating senior class and the alumnae who’ve come before them, bridging the gap between young and “vintage” Smithies. As I walked around the campus I called home for four years, I felt the strongest wave of nostalgia wash over me. And even though most of the memories that flooded my mind were happy ones, I also felt a little sad. This wistful feeling took me by surprise and lingered for most of the weekend. I realized that in spite of the “no regrets” mantra I try to live by, I indeed have a few regrets when it comes to my college experience, most of which tie into the fact that I’ve always been a bit of a late bloomer.

 

New Beginnings

Let me back up a little and put things into perspective: my mom passed away in the middle of my senior year of high school. I struggled to get through the rest of the school year, so when I entered Smith less than a year later, I was nervous, excited, and grateful for a fresh start. I was frequently in touch with my friends and family back home, and they served as a much-needed support system. But still, I navigated my first year of college a little haphazardly. In some ways, I adjusted quickly, but in other ways, I struggled a little to find my way and adapt to all the newness that surrounded me: a new city, a new academic environment, new friends. I met with the Dean of First Year Students about getting back on track when it came to academics (my grades slipped noticeably after my mom passed). I got there eventually, maybe a little more slowly than some of my peers, but I got there and ended up having a really great college experience.

 

 

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

As I reminisced about my college days during reunion weekend, I thought a lot about all the things I didn’t get to experience, like the clubs and organizations I could have joined and the classes I could have taken. I could have been more involved. I could have been more social. I could have managed my time better. But hindsight is always 20/20, right? In my late teens and early twenties, I was still coming out of my shell. I’ve always been an introvert and back then I was a lot more afraid to do things that were out of my comfort zone. That definitely started to change during my time at Smith, but it didn’t happen overnight. As a result, there were some things that I missed out on. I mostly have my fears to thank for that.

 

Do-Over, Or Nah?

I’m not going to lie: as much as I enjoyed myself during reunion weekend, I couldn’t stop those coulda, woulda, shouldas from spinning around in my head. It actually drained me emotionally and physically; by the end of each day, I was exhausted. But then I realized that I was being silly. I was so focused on all the things I didn’t get to do that I almost forgot about all the wonderful experiences I DID have. I had an amazing time in college. I made some great friends, had a chance to learn from some extraordinary professors, and studied abroad for a year. Smith taught me how to be more independent, how to look at the world from different perspectives, and how to think critically. In spite of the ups and downs I faced, I love Smith and couldn’t have pictured myself anywhere else.

 

The Moral of the Story

As reunion weekend came to a close and I sat there listening to Oprah Winfrey give her commencement address, I became overwhelmed with emotion. Oprah spoke about living with intention and stated that when it comes to figuring out your purpose, it’s important to “shift the paradigm to service.” She encouraged the graduating seniors to ask the question “how can I be used?” (If you’re interested, you can watch the full commencement ceremony here. Oprah’s speech starts at the 1-hour mark.) The emotions that the commencement address sparked took me by surprise. After all, this wasn’t my graduation ceremony. But Oprah’s speech assuaged the wistful feelings that burdened me. Particularly one question she posed: “What is the best next thing to do?” As someone who has reached a crossroads in her career, this is exactly the question I ask myself every day. It was a much-needed reminder that my journey is going to have some twists and turns, and that life is a marathon, not a sprint. I went home feeling revitalized and inspired: Smith tends to have that effect on you.

 

 

Forward

A week after the reunion, I flew out to Oklahoma City to go to my niece’s high school graduation. As the principal delivered her speech to the seniors, she said something that stuck out to me and echoed the sentiments I took away from reunion weekend: replace the words ‘if only’ with ‘next time.’ This was another reminder not to pine over the coulda, woulda, shouldas. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I can’t let fear get in the way of what I want. As scary as it may be to take that next leap, I know now that the only way to truly live a life without regrets is to take more chances. So, late bloomer or not, I am living life more fearlessly than ever. The best is yet to come and I’m ready for it. And just like my class hashtag, my story is still unfolding 💚